When negotiating, avoid handing down ultimatums. They rarely have the intended effect, and usually create deeper resentments. Contrary to popular opinion, do not pad your requests so that you wind up with what you really wanted from the beginning. This creates a sense of dishonesty that makes it hard to concede on other issues, since guessing what is really important to each party becomes a central focus. Then assumptions and worst fears creep in. Be clear about what you want, and then know what you can give in on and what you can’t.
If negotiations are breaking down, there are several remedies that are effective. If you both want the same outcomes, such as having the kids with you on Christmas day, try adding some additional ideas to the negotiation rather than convincing the other you have the best reasons. One idea would be to arrange two events for Christmas day, such as an early morning with one parent and a later dinner with the other, with each having its special charms. When you really want something your spouse is not giving in on, try sweetening the pie. If you already offered her silver for the antique mirror you want, try offering the silver and the china for the mirror.
Other techniques include changing perspectives, so that you each argue for the other person’s point. If both sides don’t seem equally valuable to you, then they may not be equitable.
Agree in theory about a decision, but do not make procedures at the same negotiation. Agree that you will divide your non-liquid assets between you, but do not decide which accounts or parts of the pension will go to each of you. Agree on a next step rather than outcome, i.e., you will each talk to your employer about a change in work schedule, without deciding who will change their schedules and when. Pose two or three options, and try each for a specified amount of time. Often a trial run will help you decide an issue based on situations you did not anticipate. Some agreements are built with contingency plans: if you get your raise at work, then you will increase your child support by $50. These plans depend on events that are likely but not assured. Negotiating one step at a time, with built in contingencies, may seem slower but it reduces the likelihood of false starts and retracing steps later. Having actual experience with options when a decision is made builds confidence in decisions. They lose their aura of the unknown, with fears that accompany unfamiliarity. For some conflict resolution tips for divorcing couples, see http://www.divorcenet.com/states/massachusetts/conflict_resolution_tips_for_divorcing_couples. Another good article on negotiating your settlement appears at http://www.insidedivorce.com/divorce-help/How-to-negotiate-your-divorce-settlement/?stage=A5D0E3C493500B427E453CDBDD04B1F2&subject=B0875360A0906896DA25C58745F8D4D1.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com
(C) 2008 Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.
Related posts:
- Negotiating for the Long Haul
- Solving Problems 101
- Negotiations Once the Value of the House is Set
- Conflict Resolution 101
- Negotiating with Your Spouse: Skills and Tips
Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Mediated Divorce
