1. Be hard on the problem, but easy on the people. “Mom’s healthcare is a tough set of decisions that need to be made. We’re smart people; we can figure this out.”
2. Listening is not the same thing as obeying. Meet people where they are, and hear out their concerns. They won’t consider changing their mind before they feel heard. “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying, and then can I have a little time to think about it before I respond?”
3. Use “I” statements. “I would feel more comfortable if you left more space between the car in front of us and our car” is a request which is easy to honor.
4. Benefit of the doubt. Don’t take everything personally, because it probably isn’t really about you anyway. When someone is late for an appointment, are they really trying to hurt you, or are they doing it inadvertently because of something else that went wrong for them today?
5. No secrets. Have the awkward conversations before things get worse, not better. Little resentments build up over time—better to clear the air when it happens than to keep score.
6. Life is a dialogue. Conflict is inevitable. It’s how you choose to handle it that makes the difference. Keep the conversation going.
7. You can be right, or you can be happy. Choose your battles. Your happiness depends, at least in part, on how happy other family members are with you. It’s in your enlightened self interest to make sure that you’re making it easy to be nice to you.

Diana Mercer is the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Fireside 2001).